I cant believe myself sometimes...i cant believe my will power is sooo weak -_-
i gave in.
omg, afterschool....i did something that hurt u, & unlike u before, i did it on purpose. & i knew u were hurt becuz i knew wen u did that to me, i felt like crap. So here im haha now u can know how i feel. But after that....it didnt feel good at all..
i just realized that hurting u makes me hurt even more...
i cant deny this anymore...i love you. simple yet so complicated.
wat i did next was even more stupid. i left them & i went to follow u. i seriously cannot believe i freaking followed u home. i am sooo fcking creepy i know!
i wanted to call out ur name but my mouth just couldnt say it...so i ended up following u home -__-
Im soooo lame.first time in my life that i've ever stalked someone like this. but i just realized something today. i've been lying to myself all this time. i KNOW i deserve better, & after our little "time off", this dude started hitting on me again, & this gurl wanted to introduce me to her friend. But none of them will ever matter to me as much as u do now. I ONLY WANT YOU.
& i hate to admit it to myself, but no matter how much u've hurt me in the past, i'd still come back to u. i cant help it. In the beggining of this week, my will power was already starting to weaken but i've managed to get thru.
Today....i just couldnt help it no more....after i got home, first thing i did was took a shower then laid in bed & talked to u.
I swear...i understand now that im not like everyone else. It's not having a bf that distracts me from school work. But it's losing one that bothers me.
Seriously...after lunch..wen u were in front of me & we acted like total strangers...ALL CLASSES AFTER THAT,I COULD NOT CONCENTRATE AT ALL.
so wen i finally talked to u..i guess i felt better. & im prepared this time. prepared to get hurt again. But as long as we are not "akward" anymore...i guess im satisfied....for now.
Here's some of the convo:
Me: did you notice.
Him: notice what
Me: nvm
Him: common tell me, dont say it half way & go nvm
Me: its nothing important, so how r u these days
Him: its alrite, same as before
Me: oh, thats good, as long as ur happy
Him: do u miss me
Me: wat do u think
Him: i wanna hear u say say it
Me: r u starting to doubt it? recently there's been so much i wanted to say to u
Him: me too, i really miss you
Me: really? u always seem like u dont care tho
Him: its all acting, if not then i'd be really unhappy everyday
Me: can u not pretend anymore? if u miss me then just say it. when u pretend like u dont care it really hurts me.
Him: does it really make u that sad? at first i was just afraid that if i spend time with u i would not be able to concentrate on finals at all. plus it seems like u've made good friends.
Me: ha, everyone knows how to pretend, do u want me to say the truth? im scared if i say it u'd think im so cold-hearted
Him: No i wont, acutally if there was a time when no one's by ur side, i wouldnt be able to bear letting u be lonely. i would fly there to be by ur side.
Me: Lol, honestly, i cant see myself being real friends with any of the girls here, its all pretend, and i really cant stand them from the bottom of my heart. it's just that i feel really empty these few days & i thought if i found someone to be with me, i wouldnt feel that way. but that feeling didnt go away...ha fly? how, ur never there wen i need u
Him: It's alrite, i dont think ur cold-hearted, i still hella like u even if ur like this, i guess these few days i've been really concentrated on finals. lao po, i've always hella loved u, & i always will. believe me wen i say this.
& the rest...well i didnt wanna get into mushy shit with him so quick so i just changed the subject. u know wat i wasnted to say tho. how can i believe u've hurt me so many times..
idk...i really dont know where im going with this relationship.
all i know is i want you & only you.
a girls shows how much she loves a guy by how much she's willing to take.
I'd honestly rather hurt myself than hurt u. EVER
Im in love...i've tried to deny it. tried to fight it.
But hey, u cant fight love.
Now taht everything is on track again, i guess i can finally concentrate now.
But know this, i will forgive but i will NEVER forget.
alrites gonna go study now. finals is next week (:
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