I'm just not ready

I havnt talked to this certain boy in my life for two weeks, we act like total strangers, like those two years meant nothing.I feel so crushed.
What's gonna sound mean is that I've been going on dates with this twenty year becuz I wanna get rid of that feeling. it not working, and now I feel so bad. I just don't get why it's so hard to get over someone who didn't even treat u that well.
This new guy, he's nice caring and just treats me real well, but somehow I just don't think he's the right guy for me. I think I'm such a stupid girl but I guess this is just how I am, I don't like nice guys, I don't like guys I can manipulate, I like a lil fun in the relationship, I just don't want someone "safe"
Today, the new guy kissed me and it just didn't feel right, I'm so confused and lost right now, and jus can't think straight no more.
I want to get over a guy that didn't treat me the way I deserve, that's all..

Distance makes ppl grow stronger
AsI'm wriing this, it's12:19and a school day tmrrw, I should be asleep but a lotta thoughts just ran through my mind. in the blink of an eye, two years has past since Ive been gone. I have to admit I'm not as miserable as before however I'm still far from happy, but on a more postive note, I guess u can say I'm one step closer than before. 
Time pass and I think back to all my childhood friends, friends I made along the way, old friends I reunited with again. and I can't  help wondering, do people come in and outta our lifes for a reason?and if so, what reason ? Along with the time and distance I've lost some friends along the way but it made me realize three things. Number one, some ppl's bonds with u are unbreakable and those are the relationships u ought to cherish. Number two, some ppl don't talk to u anymore but in ur heart, u both know u guys will be friends till the end. it's just this sureness in ur heart that tells u that u and that person are destined to be friends no matter what happens in between. Number three, there are just some ppl who just walks into ur life and walks out. they may or may not have been important to u but u know they r not coming back, and yet u don't  regret the least of it becuz u knew it was meant to be this way. So far, I'm glad I'm not having a fourth senerio, the one where I'm regretting letting a person walking outta my life.
Distance and time can really help u figure out which ppl are in which categories.  It can break a relationship, heal a relationship,or make it grow even stronger. 
Life is short, don't chase someone that was meant to be out of ur life, don't neglect someone that's meant to be in ur life, don't fight fate because u'd always lose. Just let whatever shall happen, happen.In other words, Que Sera Sera   

My Day

Helluh helluh tired cuz me and my cousin stay up till three a.m every night! its crazy but the ppl in Xing Jiang are famous for sleeping late. The days go by fast so i cant really go into detail so i'll just talk about today.

woke up at 12 then bought some noodles to eat. ppl in this small town is so nice (: um then went to this restraunt to eat, ugh ppl frink helluh here cuz making others drink wine is a way of expressing their affection in XingJiang. it gets annoying tho...then went to my cousin's house again. LOl her dog is helluh cute and its brealy one and it already has a litlle bf. um the adults sat and talked & i felt really bored cuz im never interested in what they say. But becuz of that, they always say im quiet or wat not, it just gets so annoying cuz wtf am i suppose to do if i got nothing to say to u. some of my relatives are okay cuz they dont treat me like a child but others r so annoying. all they do is point out ur flaws, im like screaming shshut up in my head!! okay finnally left her house and went to another restraunt that i went to the other day. it would have been really boring if it wasnt was this waiter...^^ i think he remembered me from the other day so yeah, we started talking cuz something embarrasing happened which gave him a chance to make fun of me T_T he had the cutest smile ever. Then we kinda flirted LOL no biggie tho. i always thought i liked the manly kinda guys but i guess i can go either way? LOl yep. thats my day, & now im at my other cousin's house typing.

Xing Jiang

So...i never realized how complicated chinese funerals can be until i attended my grandpa's. our planning was suppose to be already really really really simple but even that is complicated. first we must go see him in the glass casket thingy? then talk to him then burn some paper. while doing that we have to put a black thing on our arms with this chinese character on it. then at night the guys in the family have to stay with my grandpa the whole night. The girls didnt have to go cuz it was soooo cold. and this had to be done for the next three nights. after the three nights, there is the funeral. we have to wear a really weird white hat cuz we're family and the white stuff ppl wear is according what they are in the family. for example, my dad wore a thing that looks like what shepherds wear.then after few speeches, we drive out the car to a empty space, and burn paper and most of my grandpa's cloth and the funeral decoration things in his honor. the wind made me felt like i was in the north pole -_- then some of the family members had to go with him to get his body....idk wat its called but his body turn into ashes. the day after we bring the box with his ashes and put some food in front of it and say our blessings to him.& the last step which we havnt done yet is to spread his ashes someewhere. Yeah, its complicated alrite compared to western funerals

R.I.P Grandpa

Today, my grandpa passed away..altho we were not close and he didnt like to talk much, still, once someone is gone,u'll never get them back. When i hugged my dad after he heard the news, his facial expression was really heart breaking, it made me feel something i never felt before.

We booked a flight right on the next day for the funeral..i also realize that this is the first funeral that im gonna attend. So by tommorrow night, i'll be back at XingJiang. its gonna be freezing ><

After something else that happened today, i realized something. There are always gonna be people that walked into ur life who are always gonna be irreplaceable, there are also people u thought that were irreplaceable but in fact they can be replaced, and there are those u know for sure are replaceable. Family is irreplaceable no matter what, and things like boyfriends & such, u'd think that their irreplaceable but believe me,most are.

Who knows what the future holds, Que Sera Sera (:

p.s Grandpa,hope u rest in peace in what i hope is heaven. Before your death, im not sure if u believed in God or not. just a week ago my mom was trying to get our other relatives to believe and then speak to u about God. unfortunately, all they did was laugh(which made me mad cuz its as if they take God as a joke) Im sure everyone has a time where they would have to go but i hope by some miracle u believe in Christ before u left this earth. R.I.P

Living Hell

You see this guys?? dont ever complain to me about ur hw issues nooo more ! there's always someone suffering more than u & that person is me. This gigantic stack of shit doesnt even include my textbooks!! its just folders that contains millions of worksheets, notebooks, and workbooks. & NOT ALL OF IT EITHER! THERES MORE IN MY BOOKSHELF! -_- now u know my pain, stop complaining, being a student in China =Hell

The stuff animal kidnapper is out there!

So omg, it happened again, i swear someone is stealing stuff animals left outside people's doors around here. So the dumbohead left me presents outside my door again, i used to think it was cute but now..ehh,cuz stuff gets stolen and it makes me more mad than happy. I mean he used to put cookies,chocolates,and other food but nobody ever took those, only stuff animals.It happened on Christmas too, when my Snowman was kidnapped, now my Stuffed bunny is kidnapped T_T people these days.....LOL, funny thing is they left the roses untouched. I mean the first time, i guess people could have just assumed someone didnt want the stuff animal anymore so they put it outside the door, but isnt it common sense to know that if a stuff animal is put beside a bunch of fresh roses, it was probably meant for someone?? in only an hour period of time, it was gone, LOL, i gotta say tho, whoever took it got ninja skills.

smells like my conditioner (;