sorry sorry sorry

oh shiet,baby I'm so sorry! ); Im sorry I didn't hear my phone vibrate, oh gosh, and I helluh wanted to spend time with u too. i hope u didn't walk around in the cold for too long, oh damn, I fucking hate myself right now
ugh, u accidentally did this to me before too and I know that feeling sucks, bur I'd rather it be me, i'd rather be hurt than see u hurt, real talk kay. i know ur probably mad now...
not answerig my texts, sorryyyyyyyy! gawd I feel like such a bitch, actually a lotta things I've been doing these days making me feel like a bitch, but *sign, fuck all that, the last person I'd wanna upset is u D;

wasting time

it just took me 10 minutes tryna fit in my jeans. it's cold out so u basically gotta wear two layers, aha yea try fitting another pants under skinny jeans, lol calory burning much :D
idk y I'm blogging rite now...I'm already hecka late, lol. grr somebodys gonna be pissed :P hehe, so u know wats my excuse everytime for being late, I tell them I was with my bf then they imidiately shut up, lol
damn, I feel helluh tired now tho, shit tryna get into my jeans made me sweat -_- yes I sound like a fat girl lol. mhm..I'm lazy, don even wanna go now:p rawr, still gotta blowdry hair
*sign, I guess I'll blog later,
lotta things on my mind lately tho

Unhealthy adiction

im embarrased to admit this but omg, i cannot stay off my ipod touch! when the lady sold the thing to me, she put like over 100 game apps on it & they r sooooo addictive -_- guys i need help. it has a six hour battery capacity and i have recharged like 6 times in 3 days. FUUUUCKKKK!

Lol, and thats not all. i have not been going out, answering calls,eating right or sleeping enough. Shiett! i turned into those super game freaks. LOl. i NEED help!

this drug...

Lmao, plus my eyes freaking burn from this shit. im suppose to meet someone at KFC in an hour but im not sure i wanna move. aha yes, lazy to the max! but w/e, i guess i just dont feel like hanging out. LOL, i would chose my ipod over my friends here, ahaha im mean okay w/e. i just think its a waste of energy being friends w/ someone u know ur not gonna keep. some ppl want friends just to hang out, i guess im not one of them.

grr..but forreals, i need exercise....mhm, maybe after dinner. hehe ima go drag bf to take them night walks with me again.
speaking of him, he's been moody lately. his mom found something he was not suppose to have in his backpack ;p
*cough, i can just imagine the akwardness x_x
i hope he's not grounded! *fingers crossed

Blogging from iPod touch

我爱我的新ipod (:
I love my new iPod
aha,feels like there's nothing it can't do, lol it even corrects my spelling

So um..had another amazing day with the only person here who can make my days amazing;D
I had lik four hecka retarded and stupid moments in one day, lol but it's okay, I don't mind as long as it's my bf. Feels lik he's the only one here where I can be myself around. Hehe, when babe first got to know me, he was surprised at how retarded I actually am but he got use to it (;
so first retarded moment :
I was tryna take him to this place but I wasn't sure how to take the subway there, me and him had to take the subway back and forth four times, in the end we just gave up and both agreed never to let me lead the way again. Lol
second retarded moment:
I thought i got my period cuz my stomach hella hurted, so then babe started helluh worried, he wouldn't even let me go out myself and go buy a drink myself cuz he thought I'd faint along the way or something-_- aha, then he kept tryna stop me from drinking cold stuff and putting too much hot sause in my food. It was hecka cute except u know eat? In the end, I Checked and it was false alarm! Aha, shh I didn't tell him, he was just too cute ^_^
third moment:
we went walking on the icy lake in the park again. I then discovered that falling in the snowy grounds on the ice didn't hurt, so then I acted out sceens for babe from Korean dramas ;DD
aha, then we both pretended to be lost in a big snowy Forrest, it was hilarious!
Fourth moment:
I was kicking a pile of snow and ended up falling on my ass on hard ice,ouch, I know

babe had a retardedass moment too, me wanted to play on a to structure in the park but ended up getting yelled out by a old lady, haha but damn fuck her, who says there was a age limit on those things.

Abyways, feels like everyday spent with him makes me so happy in the end, can't explain it tho, he just has that effect on me (:
he's the only one here who I can be my true retarded self around him and I don't care wat anyone else says or watever may happen,

Spitting

forreals i hate ppl who be randomly spitting everywhere all the time
theres so much gross ppl like this in china & its like ugh!
can u be a lil more civilized?
everytime they do it they make this big noise w/ their throats then spit out the muscus. gross ass ppl these days.
ITS CALLED USING A TISSUE THEN THROWING IT AWAY!

Someday..

In the future...i wanna go to this tower in Korea w/ my love and "lock" him up (:
hehe so he'd be mine forever :3

Hot Style

HOLLY SHT! if any guy were to be dressing like this i'd be all overr them! ;D
jaykayss
aha but theres barely any guys w/ good styles in China...well at least not like this
unless... u go to those bigass shopping streets (;
hehe
A: wanna go "fishing" w/ me
B: sorry i've already caught a good fishy & it's a keeper
^ only one person would completely get it. ahaha

This is For You

& Second Chance? more like 5797582578479582th chance.
You know what? do w/e u want. I aint expecting nothing from you no more.
Care dont care, do w/e u like kays?
cuz hun,u just needa remember that there's always somebody worse off than u.

I've Found It

I've found that feeling that people have been searching their whole lifes for. even if it may only be for a while, its okay, becuz i will always have a memory of it. I swear, even if we do break up, no other guy is ever gonna make me forget these memories we've created together. You're my first TRUE love, my partner in crime, my shining star,and most importantly, u are someone that made me realize what loving someone is all about, the up&downs, the tears&smile, the loss of my silly pride...

So let me recap on today& yesterday night.
last night i couldnt help it...i gave in, i talked to my bf. LOL

& um...idk, we didnt exactly talk it out, but i guess thats my problem, there r some things i just cant admit to him...like about how jelous i was....
So he still didnt know the true reason why i've been so distant but he turned a red teary eyed me to a laughing so hard my stomach hurted me. yeah, i couldnt help it :x
& he apologized for everything even tho he dont know wat he's apologyzing for, lol that loser.


But there was this one point in our convo where i sounded like i was gonna break up w/ him or something, i didnt mean it to sound like that but i didnt realize wat i said until later. i said something along the lines of "have a nice life" ;p
my bad? then he kinda hypervenilated & yeah. lol everythings cool now but im glad he still cares so much tho..

anywhooos, he asked me out on a date today so yeah. i kinda has to ditch all other plans cuz....aha, cuz here, i dont follow the chicks before dicks rule.
Felt kinda bad tho cuz we talked about our plans helluh all night & i just ended up not going...yeah, but u know wat,to be hinest witchu, i really dont value any friendships i made here.
they r not ppl who truely care, they just in it for the fun and gossip.
Like wen i told that bitch i couldnt go cuz i gotta hang out w/ bf, she was all like bitching at me & at helluh talking shit. Like saying dont go wif him, who cares if he get mad, he makes u mad all the time, forget him, go shopping w/ me.blah blah blah.

&u know who she ended up going w/, someone who she spend an hour talking shit about? wtf,helluh shady
so yea,thanks bitch, but ur words dont affect me.
I love him & only him.
u just hating cuz u cant find a bf of ur own & me and her's happiness wif our bfs makes u feel like shit. so thats y, wen either one of our relationships arnt going well, i can actually feel u getting happier.

So we went to KTV. at first there was tension..yeah, i was still kinda mad...
but then later, oh dayummmm, we both sanggg our hearts out, song after song.
This was moment #1, that happiness that i felt wen i hear him singing to me (:
&omg, babe is so social, he meet two new person from our school while standing in line.


So now i know why my bf dont want sme to meet certain friends of his-_- why r they so immature? & they're older than him too, wtf. so hella ppl from our school was at that KTV place, and they found out we were too. they fucking bursted in and demanded to see us kiss or something. wtf? then they started yelling shit like dude, if u dont kiss her i will. aha then bf got mad & kicked em out ;D

Then after 4 hours of hard on kareoke, we went to this lake near my house, its frozen btw. and some parts were melting & we kept daring each other to go closer to the edge. Lol it was fun. & it felt so carefree cuz both of us were just laughing our heads off. the sound of our laughter, & the things we drew on the ice, moment #2.


& after that we just walked around, [it was helluh cold-_-] & talked & talked & talked about anything & everything. He was soo cute today too! ^-^ hehe, and he gave me piggy back ride around the lake [;

Yeah so basically i had a really awsome day...but i always tell myself one thing after awsome days w/ bf, dont get too happy. u know this happiness wont last. it'd just be replaced by sadness wen he's not by ur side.
Its true, so i guess ima just live for the moment then.

Im happy now..but inside there's still things that bother me about him:
1. when he's with me, he dont want anyone else around,always rejects my request when i ask him if he wanna go w/ me & a group of ppl somewhere.
2. he never invites me to hang out w/ his friends..except those 2 times in the beggining of our friendship wen we was just tripping. When he's with his friends and i pass by, its either his friends will all go away or he ditch them & drag me off somewhere.
3. He's dont usually take the first step. today he told me that i was the first girl ever that made him have to make the first move so much & work so hard, & he says that all his ex's would always be the one to ask him somewhere, he never had to. WTF?? & i think he still dont work hard enough.
4. He acts differently in front of his friends. I hate it, he acts more...how to i say it.. tough? not all soft like he is w/ me. its not really over the edge hard on gansta or nothing..it just bothers me a bit.
5. ......i dont wanna say the fifth one out loud, cuz i cant even explain it myself, & wen i tell ppl, they r sure to misunderstand & assume. so yea.
keeping this to my self. But its getting on my nerves more& more since it happened -_-

Maybe i overthink things but yea...i guess im just too complicated & hard to please ;p

TRUE

Speechless

To be honest witchu i really dont know wat to say to u anymore. i dont know how our normal convo turned into that topic but yea, its been on my mind for a while now & i couldnt help but blurt it out.
You tell me to give u time but i think i've given u enough time. more than half a year should be enough & i still dont see no change u you. You say u care but wtf, actions speak louder than words. u were never there wen i was going thru tough shit being here alone by myself.
You say ur sorry, & i can feel that u are too, & i do forgive u cuz im not one to hold grudges but i would never forget. i would never forget all the times u dissapoint me.
expectations lead to dissapointment but how can i not expect stuff from u. ur suppose to be my best friend. i barely even remember any times that u did act like a best friend to me. Even before u changed. everything is said w/ ur mouth, u never showed it w/ actions.
& dont think i forgot about that morning before i left too. u were suppose to come but ugh...u & ur stupid issues. im not gonna even talk about it no more cuz the more i do the more i get mad & i dont wanna spoil my good mood right now.
plus u know wat? maybe sometimes its not always about YOU. about how YOU need to work out YOUR problems. how do u think i feel. forreals
and u've been saying how she dissapointed u & how u thought she changed cuz u guys use to be such good friends since young. wtf? so u do know how it feels to be dissapointed by someone close to u right? so why the hell u doing this to me. honestly, nobody deserves this type of friendship. the friendship where one person has to make all the effort to hold it togeher.
Dont trip tho i aint mad at chu. i think it would just be better if u'd stop calling me ur best friend no more. cuz, u dont even do ur part. & im kinda getting tired of me always having to take the first step to fix things.
u know things arnt the same as before, dont deny it. but i guess change is unavoidable in life right? but i think for our own good, we should just be ordinary friends from now on. That way, it'd save me from getting so pissed, then sad, then dissapointed by u.

Lol, this sounds like a freaking lezbo break up letter huh. aha well w/e, i hope u'd be able to see the brighter life of side soon, & wen u finally decide to change back, give me a call, then maybe we can be best friends again.
For now...idk, i cant really help u cuz i dont even get wtf is wrong with u. honestly, i just think its all in ur head & ur making ur life more miserable than it actually is. So ur cousin changed right? maybe u did too. maybe even worse off than her. yeah, maybe it aint all her fault, think about that.
Basically im just kinda tired to be dissapointed all the time now. sure my bf dissapoints me too & i forgive him cuz i want him in my life...but seriously, he's just a "guy".Guys are too stupid to get it.but ur suppose to be my best friend. ur suppose to be someone that i can fall back on, someone thats suppose to be there for me, & i guess u've just decided the little problems u be creating in ur head are just more important than this friendship.
ima end this now cuz i've got shit to do.. i hope u think about all that i've said.

Everything's a Mess

First i'd just like to say how much i hate china cell phone companies. for reals i talked for an hour and u gonna charge me 40RMB??! grr i hate it -_- so now i use my mom's old phone which came from US. & it wont even fucking let me text or nothing. well it doess but only in english -_- my mom expects me too use 100 bucks in 2 months?? wtf, i know. the hundred left in my account was used up in 3 days>[
fckkk i knowww!
well, my phone dont charge if its getting a call in. but here's wat always happens. i never hear it wen my phone be vibrating so i always end up getting missed calls. & i basically promised myself i wouldnt be distracted from studying but then i would feel bad & call back to apologize for not answering then end up talking for hecka long.

&& TOMMORROW IS FINALSSS! grr...freaking out. but i just cant seem to concentrate so here i am blogging again -_-

well in all, i would say i got pretty much done in a day. aha cramming is sooo my thangg [; so basically, i got down all the material we needed to learn for biology in like 4 hours. ahahahha. i swearr, the side courses like biology,history, or geography u can literally all learn in a day. no kidding (:

hehe stupid biology teacher, i'll SHOW you! muahaha. i'll show u i dont gotta or listen to ur calss & still pass ;DD

So plans for after finals? idk, mite be going on vacation again. hehe everyone is leaving! i swear ]: mhm..so finals for us is three days.
Monday: Chinese 8:00~10:00
Physics 1:30~3:00
Tuesday: Math 8:00~10:00
Biology, Geography 1:30~3:30?
Wednesday:English 8:00~10:00
REST OF THE DAY OFF ;DD
hehe so my friend was asking me if i wanted to go celebrate after finals that day, & at first i was like yea, until she told me they was gonna go drinking -_-
mhm...well idk if i should go anymore...espicially if she's gonna go w/ the guys..
forreals & i know how much they drink! they freaking grew up drinking!
aha but lets just see how the day goes (:

but u guys know wat i really wanna do? i wanna go ice skating on the lake nearby with my bf....*sign...but iono..us spending time together doesnt seem as easy as before no more. i really dont know how to explain this...i miss him, he miss me, but its like we just stuck at that point now.
Okay w/e ima stop thinking about how this shit now...


mhm. i just got this call from this girl...idk why she's being so friendly to me all of a sudden but i can tell it's for a purpose.
I swear..she is the most manipulative bitch i've ever met! she can basically get anything to go her way w/o ppl calling her bossy or w/e. and she has this power to get almost ANY guy to fall for her. no kidding, i've seen it happen. she can get her hater to turn into her admirer.
but iono, i think i should keep my distance from ppl like her...
so right now, she's talking shit about this girl to me -_- aha, her voice sounds so convincing too. Lol w/e, i aint gonna listen to her, ima just live my life & try not to be twisted up in their shit. it's stupid.
hehe i made some excuse about dinner & hanged up (:

hehe but people like her made me realize something. In life there are people you hate & dc if they hate u too, people u dislike but want/need them to like you, people u like but u have to much pride to admit it beacuz they dont like u, and the poeple u just lovee & loves u back.
i think she would be the second catagory. aha, obviously, u should never get into shit w/ people like her. people who look so innocent & cute on the outside but on the inside....Lol, u'll never win :/

alrite gonna do some more cramming now (:

aha areee ya readyyy kids ? ;D
ay ay captain

Time flies by

oh gosh...i swear, finals for me is next week & i felt like i barely accomplished shit. the only subject i got a tight grip on is physics and of course english.
all other shit...omg screwweddd!
Geometry section of math is killer, Chinese is gay, have to remember so much useless shit like old poems, Biology has too many complicated words that i gotta remember how to write, and Geography.....oh gosh -__- not one class did i get wat she was talking about .
grrr! freaking out.
Everytime i try to study, it's either someone calls me, or i call them to ask about homework then we end out talking for hours, or i get lured away by the internet, or if im crazy texting or theres a good drama on TV and i couldnt help but watch it. i know right! ):

I shoudlnt be like this...i'd dissapoint myslef in the end. I know i can do better, so why settle for less. plus my biology & geography teacher kinda got a bad impression of me now...Biology teacher actually realized that i've ditched some class. [ who knew she'd remember my face,shes not even a main course teacher] and geography teacher knows about me& my bf -_- akwardddd.

Well fck it ! ima prove em wrong. okay,ima shut up & go study now (:
wish me luck loves

aha teachers should sooo get this stamp ;D

Love and Time

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.
Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.
When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,
“Richness, can you take me with you?”
Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. “Vanity, please help me!”
“I can’t help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat,” Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked, “Sadness, let me go with you.”
“Oh … Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”
Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.
Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come, Love, I will take you.” It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder,
Love asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who Helped me?”
“It was Time,” Knowledge answered.
“Time?” asked Love. “But why did Time help me?”
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, “Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is.”

True Words

"Love is a word that is often overused. When someone says “I love those shoes” they don’t literally mean they “love” the shoes. They just like them. Our generation has told too many people “I love you” People say it like it’s nothing. Just something that you are “supposed” to say. It begins to lose it’s true meaning.
No one understands what love really means until they meet that one person that you want to be with every second of everyday. The one person that could make you fall apart. The person that can control your mood. The person that if they died you wouldn’t know how you were going to go on. The person that can make you smile when you want to cry. The person that no matter how much they have hurt you, you still want them, and couldn’t imagine being without them. The person that when just IMAGINING who they have been with and what they have done with them could just bring tears to your eyes."

Im a Recycling Bin Now?

You guys all think im so trustworthy & dependable.
Telling me all ur shit & problems.
But really, im the one who is most in need of someone to listen...
it's just that nobody would understand.

Pieces of Me

It's cute yet meaningful dont chu think?

everyday i hear abour u guy's shit & drama, it's soo annoying & stupid. im starting to realize im hanging out with the bitchest girls everrrrr. i swear, u guys talk about every one that passes by, & 90% is talking shit. & sometimes u guys would just talk about them right wen they're there. that is so mean. it just gets old over time. cuz i barely give a fuck.

right now i just want good grades and to maintain a good relationship with my bf.
but idk...the people u hang out with influence u right?
Lol but it's okay i think....im not stupid, i've got my mouth tight about certain things. cuz i've learned not to trust any of the girls here. anything u say may be used against u. aha, but i guess it's cool, we have lots of laughs together, it's just sometimes i dont wanna join ur convo about those "useless shit"

hehe btw. today, i saw the eclipes after school. omg, it was sooo coool ! Lol, yeah, me & my friend were so stupid tho. so we're learning physics right. & we remembered this thing on a test about how if ur viewing an eclipes, & since the light is too bright to look at, u should fill a bowl with black water or something & put it under the sun to view the reflection. Lmao so we actually did, & while she was holding the bowl running down the stair. she tripped. LOLOLOL nothing serious tho but it was soooo funny LOLOLOLOL. these guys saw & laughed , then she got pissed & cussed them out. LOL which made it even more funny. Omg, it was a u had to be there moment. anyways, laughed so hard stomach hurted.

well btw, our little experient failed so we just decided to get some film strips to view it. it's sooo pretty. looked like a sideways moon ^-^
after that another thing happened that hella made me lol. so there's this satue of this poet in our school right. it's like outside under this tree. we was talking about how to seduce guys & using that statue as a tool. LMAOO, it soo hilarious until we realized there was this hot dude on the fourth floor watching. ahahah then it got so akward. LOL, but then she yelled " wat, never seen pretty girls before"
oh shit, yeah, i laughed so much today. aha.
well underneath those laughters tho...idk i still feel....incomplete. idk...i just still really miss the old times.
& the "new" times always manage to bring me back to the old times.
grrr...*Sign. miss u guys always & forever.
i swear nobody here would ever be able to replace that :/
inside..im still a very lonely girl despite of how happy i seem outside

i'll try

Im in too deep,

im not concentrated...too much stuff Lol
idk...i just helluh miss my bf, i should stop talking about him tho, i really needa stop. Omg, but i cant, i miss himmm
dayummmm, i needa stop trippin i know, but i cant help it.
i cannot live w/o this boy anymore ):
i know the stupidest thing a girl can to is to make a guy her everything, becuz when she loses him, she'd have nothing...but i cant help it. & im gonna stop lying to my heart.
honestly tho...i just cant stay away. Lol, fail, i know right.
w/e. for now, ima just let my heart do w/e it wants

aha, p.s i know wat u guys be thinking. dayum ting, wtf happened to you, u never use to trip like this. u use to be ms.independent. aha, now look. im souding like those stupid girls who gush on & on bout their love life.
im sorry guys, i cant help who im turning into.

love defeats all...u cant fight love, it's a war u'll never win

Time to Face the Truth.

Okay today i just need a place to express my feelings. so bear with me.
I cant believe myself sometimes...i cant believe my will power is sooo weak -_-
i gave in.


omg, afterschool....i did something that hurt u, & unlike u before, i did it on purpose. & i knew u were hurt becuz i knew wen u did that to me, i felt like crap. So here im haha now u can know how i feel. But after that....it didnt feel good at all..
i just realized that hurting u makes me hurt even more...
i cant deny this anymore...i love you. simple yet so complicated.
wat i did next was even more stupid. i left them & i went to follow u. i seriously cannot believe i freaking followed u home. i am sooo fcking creepy i know!
i wanted to call out ur name but my mouth just couldnt say it...so i ended up following u home -__-
Im soooo lame.first time in my life that i've ever stalked someone like this. but i just realized something today. i've been lying to myself all this time. i KNOW i deserve better, & after our little "time off", this dude started hitting on me again, & this gurl wanted to introduce me to her friend. But none of them will ever matter to me as much as u do now. I ONLY WANT YOU.


& i hate to admit it to myself, but no matter how much u've hurt me in the past, i'd still come back to u. i cant help it. In the beggining of this week, my will power was already starting to weaken but i've managed to get thru.

Today....i just couldnt help it no more....after i got home, first thing i did was took a shower then laid in bed & talked to u.
I swear...i understand now that im not like everyone else. It's not having a bf that distracts me from school work. But it's losing one that bothers me.
Seriously...after lunch..wen u were in front of me & we acted like total strangers...ALL CLASSES AFTER THAT,I COULD NOT CONCENTRATE AT ALL.

so wen i finally talked to u..i guess i felt better. & im prepared this time. prepared to get hurt again. But as long as we are not "akward" anymore...i guess im satisfied....for now.
Here's some of the convo:
Me: did you notice.
Him: notice what
Me: nvm
Him: common tell me, dont say it half way & go nvm
Me: its nothing important, so how r u these days
Him: its alrite, same as before
Me: oh, thats good, as long as ur happy
Him: do u miss me
Me: wat do u think
Him: i wanna hear u say say it
Me: r u starting to doubt it? recently there's been so much i wanted to say to u
Him: me too, i really miss you
Me: really? u always seem like u dont care tho
Him: its all acting, if not then i'd be really unhappy everyday
Me: can u not pretend anymore? if u miss me then just say it. when u pretend like u dont care it really hurts me.
Him: does it really make u that sad? at first i was just afraid that if i spend time with u i would not be able to concentrate on finals at all. plus it seems like u've made good friends.
Me: ha, everyone knows how to pretend, do u want me to say the truth? im scared if i say it u'd think im so cold-hearted
Him: No i wont, acutally if there was a time when no one's by ur side, i wouldnt be able to bear letting u be lonely. i would fly there to be by ur side.
Me: Lol, honestly, i cant see myself being real friends with any of the girls here, its all pretend, and i really cant stand them from the bottom of my heart. it's just that i feel really empty these few days & i thought if i found someone to be with me, i wouldnt feel that way. but that feeling didnt go away...ha fly? how, ur never there wen i need u
Him: It's alrite, i dont think ur cold-hearted, i still hella like u even if ur like this, i guess these few days i've been really concentrated on finals. lao po, i've always hella loved u, & i always will. believe me wen i say this.

& the rest...well i didnt wanna get into mushy shit with him so quick so i just changed the subject. u know wat i wasnted to say tho. how can i believe u've hurt me so many times..
idk...i really dont know where im going with this relationship.
all i know is i want you & only you.
a girls shows how much she loves a guy by how much she's willing to take.
I'd honestly rather hurt myself than hurt u. EVER
Im in love...i've tried to deny it. tried to fight it.
But hey, u cant fight love.


Now taht everything is on track again, i guess i can finally concentrate now.
But know this, i will forgive but i will NEVER forget.
alrites gonna go study now. finals is next week (:

Gorgeous.

she looks so anorexic...idk why im attracted to this pic o_o

Determination=Motivation [;

Omg, so im hella freaked out about finals. we had pre-testing today and dayummmm! i am in need of studying -_- grr...i feel so dumb. *sign...physics is so hard...i just wanna yell who cares at all the problems.
I'll give ya an example of how hard it is :
When a bottle is all filled up with water, it's total weight is 210g [includes bottle's weight] if u but a small object in the bottle then fill up the bottle again, it's total weight is 251.6g, figure out the density of this object.

See how hardd it is! tis problem took me 20 minutes of thinking -_- wtf, i know..i figured it out in the last minute tho. It's 11.375g/cm3 btw.

There's ones that are even harder than that. omg they weren't kidding wen they said shit in china is hard. im surprised im keeping up tho. the test makers are crazy tho,less than 10% of the students ace the tests they be making.
& this time i wanna do good. i know getting a C is no problem for me now, but this time i just wanna see how good am i wen i give it my all. I swearr , i wanna ace this shitt! i dont want everyone just to think im this airhead. Cuz im so much more sooooo yeah. lol im hella determined this time. plus theres less stuff to distract me. Still havent talk to bf & im not planning to, at least not before testing...

Today, he passed me on te stairs. he was going down, i was going up. he wrapped his arm around my waste but idk..i didnt stop walking & i didnt make eye contact with him. Forreals dont ask me wat im doing now. idk wat i want right now....All i know is that i needa focus. SO fck everything else for now :/
Sorry hun, but u needa realize tht u really hurt me & im not gonna just let it go that easily this time.
I know u miss me, too bad tho..
& i know u've been watching me. Lol keep watching cuz i aint bout to change my mind unless u decide to change ur attitude.

Another Reply

LOL, okay another reply to another person bout their post& this time i know its
about me & wat happened.

Really? im getting more mature..i guess u can say that, or u can just say i lost more life in me. idk..i just feel really old in the mind. i feel like an old lady with a girl's body. *Sign...but nobody knows. u seriously would not think there was anything wrong with me by the way im acting everyday. i mean im laughing, kidding around, & just acting like a retard -_- sometimes i dont know which person is me anymore. I have mutiple personalities. The mature & quiet me, the mature & friendly me, the childish & stupid me, & the bitchy me. aha, so which one am i now?
In elementary i was the fourth.
In middle school, i was all the third.
In highschool, i was the second.
Now what am i? i think it's the first one. & i dont like it. becuz im more than that, theres so much more to me than that, but i can't find a way to express myself anymore. im like a closed up clam.


LOl, face my fears & i'll find true happiness?? LOLOL u sound so cliche. It's not that im afraid to talk to him okay. it's just a part of me wants him so bad but another part is saying i deserve better. But either way, im still gonna be suffering so just fuck it. I will talk to him when im ready...but idk wen that will be.

& free from pain? i dont think so, as long as im stuck here, i will never be free from pain & sadness. unelss i turn out to be like "them" BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

& yesh, i can conentrate on studying either. BUT I HAVE TO. i didnt use to care about grades so much but tats becuz it didnt really mean alot to me back then. Now to me, grades is sooo important. it hold a new meaning. SInce everything is settled by grades here, & grades is the only way i can get outta here, then i HAVE TO strive to do the best i can. give it all i've got or else...omg or else im gonna really let myself down & hate myself even more.

Plus i fucking hate how ppl here just take me for an airhead. FUCK YOU. maybe i was a year ago wen i first came here cuz i didnt know much chinese back then, but gosh, i aint stupid. why u still asking me if i can read the problems on tests? It's math okay? i can fail in chinese but math is a universal language dumbass! & the way u just asked me makes it feel like im retarded or something.

Everything in my life is basically fucked up right now, all i know is that i gotta study study study. I admit im not doing my best right now...but i am trying (:
So i hope u guys are having a better time in life than me
i know i didnt hit rock bottom yet but w/e. getting closer each & everyday.


P.s im getting a new bank account too ;D
my parents forced me tho -_- i just wanted to keep the money at home but they dont trust me with 4,000 on my hands -_- they still think im an obesseive shoppaholic.

Let It Snow (:

Despite of everything, im still gonna have fun & i am having fun. Lol, i now love snow days. i feel like such an idiot laying on a pile of snow but its fun ;D
hehe i almost turned into a snowman myself after the snow fight. LOL i swear snow solified into ice on my hair. hehe i had a snow bun ;DDD
Winter feels like it gives me a reason to be emo.
im starting to like winter..

I'll be Fine

I dont want us to be like this..it's just too fucking typical


LOL last time i said a word to him was last year. so new years really do mean new begginings huh? well if it really comes down to that, then so be it

Reply

mhm..i think ur post was talking bout me? Lol, i just read it & it felt like u were talking about me & wat happened with my bf. but even if its not, i still hella connect to it. (:

well...to start, its not the best days of my life, but nobody can tell. im laughing, "acting" happy, rolling around in the snow,"pretending" to be fine, and purposely avoiding him. its getting tiring cuz it seems like he's everywhere. Okay, so here's my situation. It's not that he's not willing to spend time with me. But he...how should i say this, he is not those needy bfs. he's not the type of bf to just suddenly surprise u wif a visit,even if he wants to see you Nooo, everything has to be planned first -_-
& if he wanted to see me, he wouldnt purposely go looking for me, nooo he would make it seem like an accidental bump in. I KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT, happened way to many times. ITS SOOO LAME.
HE CARES TOO MUCH ABOUT PRIDE.
i hate that, i keep telling myself how much i hate him right now but i cant.i thought he wasnt at school today cuz he was sick or something & i got so sad. It's sooo stupid cuz i dont even talk to him no more but i just wanna know he's there!


he smiled today....it was somewhat in my direction but i think it was cuz he just hit someone wif a snowball...his eyes meet mine & we had a 1 sec moment & i just looked away. idk why...but i got butterfies...he just looks soo sweet.

Im fcking crazy, nobody knows my pain. nobody knows our situation cept for a few ppl, but those ppl thinks i dont wanna talk to him no more.


i guess theres many reasons things came to this. for example, its winter, we cant go out at night no more & theres no time on weekends. & i gots no cell....Like i said before...very hard to have a love life in china w/o a cell. lame but true as hell.THERES A MILLION REASONS BUT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS:
nobody wanna make the first move. if u dont then fine. i'll accept it cuz i sure as hell is not. & i think ur so lame, i know u wanna talk to me cuz ur just always "aciidentally" there, but u dont even say anything. You know theres something wrong yet u do nothing to fix it. idk about how things work here in china,or if its all normal, but im done. i think i deserve better.Theres many times when i wanna feel like i miss u so bad, but noo, i've lost my pride over u few too many times. maybe now its ur turn.


For now..it's just hella dragging, i know i should tell talk to him about it face to face, but i think he dont even deserve that. So u know wat, let it drag. & in time we will all get over it. i know i will. i dont believe time heals everything, but it definitely fades the pain.


"So, we've become strangers and I think we're both doing a pretty good job. But, despite our best efforts, we'll always be strangers with a past."

From my quotes notebook; some parts were cut off, it goes like this :
"It's sad when people u know become ppl u knew. when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How u use to be able to talk for hours and how now, u can barely even look at them

Screwed

My Mood Exactly

Another Day Wasted

Oh gawd, wtf. 3 hours past & i still got hecka work to do ]:
i hate procrastinating but ugh....
so here's wat i did wen i said i would do hw:
-phone [caught up on wassup on the days i missed school]
-delivery food came [pigged out, i got fat during vacation, too much good food -_o ]
-chewed gum while spacing out
-had fun annoying my mom ;D
-finally sat down to do hw
&& now on blogger again ;p

Aha, oh well, im already on anyways, i'll take this time to talk about my vacation.
Holy shit, hella shit happened, & i learned a lot of um..watchu call it, dark secrets? about my moms side of the family. yeah...& got to know my grandma's past A LOT BETTER...it made me think she was not the sweet grandmother i thought she was, but im not gonna judge, cuz she's still my grandma & i love her.

Im not gonna get into it cuz its kinda personal but i'll just say my mom's side of the family is REALLY messed up. Like ever since my grandpa passed away, the family torn apart, & my grandma is a hard person to deal with sometimes, i guess u can say, dont get on grandma's bitch list.

During the vacation, my mom found out some stuff & she literally just had a melt down, it had to do with my grandma. & wen i mom finally confronted my grandma bout everything, they both was crying/half argueing. it was weird cuz i felt like a therapist forreal o_o my dad was no help, he was just sitting there,*sign, cant blame him, he's not good in those situations.

So while them two was getting hella upset, i was just saying wat i thought was logical. Lol to my surprise, i was actually helping. Lol i guess i be reading too much of em physicology books, but im glad i helped.

Later my grandma told me how she was so surprised at how grown-up & mature my words sounded & how i helped her think it true. Lmao, so i guess it's a job well done? aha, it's really weird tho, i dont mind wen people blab their drama to me & usually i give good advice. at least thats wat i've been told. But wen it comes to my own problems, im fucking lost -_- I mean in my head, i have a clear view of wats rite or wrong & i tell other ppl to do it. But wen it comes to me, i dont necesarily follow those rules. its so hypocritic but idk...my mind dont wanna listen to my brain sometimes.

I think being a therapist is actaully not a bad occupation, i actually like helping others with their problems. But i was thinking, wat if i had a phyco maniac for a patient. Lol creeeepppy. But i think to be a therapist, u needa get ur own life in order first, cuz if u urself is a mess, who would listen to ur advice rite? I've be hearing about those therapists with their own therapists & that be hella messed up. if u cant get ur own life on track then u shouldnt be meddling w/ other ppl's lifes right. hehe yea, but idk...i seriosuly have no idea wat i wanna be wen i grow up, mhm..it all seems so far away

LOl i've gone off topic, to round it all up, didnt get to do muh shopping on vacation. but did a lotta sightseeing. its okay tho,i aint trippin, i promised myself i wouldnt be so materialistic, besides, theres always next time.plus my grandma gave me over 3 thousand RMB. hehe yay, finally can buy my ipod touch (: the money left, i guess i'll just save it in a bank (:
yeps thats basically it, hehe ima go shower,hw, then bed
Night loves <3

Backkk

Yes! Finally home. It's been a crazy vacation & i'll blog more bout that later& maybe post some pics but right now i'll talk about the weather ;DD
ahaha im boring i know.
so yeahh, it's like crazy snowing in beijing, there was so much snow that our flight was later delayed then canceled -_- I was like Ohh Fckkk, We Gonna Haveta Sleep At the Airport. Lol but no, i finally know wat they do wif the passengers wen flights get canceled. They drag you to a hotel & pay for everythinggg ;D LOLOL
HELLS YEAH, free food, free room, plus 1 more day of vacationn. [:
Lmao, so yeah, that was a first for me (:

forreals, i even have a notebook to list my first everythingg ;D
yeah, im a list freak, i make lists on everything & im proud (:

Um so yeah, after hours of sitting on an unmoving plane in the morning, they finally got the signal to go & so we finally got back home.
& DAMNNN, it's freezing, idk how im gonna go to school tommorrow o_o
btw school was cancelled today due to snow so i didnt miss anything. yaay
i was nervous too cuz finals is coming up & everything & i WANNA do good!
yeah, so off to do hw now, gonna blog bout my trip later (:
P.S this trip was not at all sunshines, flowers, & smiley faces :/
P.P.S i realized how hard it really is not to think about him....