Happiness, where are you?

Today, i've had that feeling again. that feeling where u feel like u don't belong, ur not good enough, ur so lonely that u just wanna dig a hole in the ground and hide urself. I guess u can say it's pms. actually, throughout the day i was fine. i was in a pissy mood and bickered with helluh people. It was when i came home that i started to feel the emoness.
During all those fights that he had, to all the hurtful things he said to me, about how much i've changed, everytime, i would get mad, but wouldnt have a comeback. It made me think, maybe he's right. I have changed, but i thought it was for the better. Im getting along with more ppl..."getting along" thats the most i can say for myself. But why? is it really cuz i changed into something i would never imagine myself to be?
i feel like im losing everyone around me..the people i actually care about, and getting closer with the ppl that i dont. It makes me mad, cuz no matter how close i may appear with someone here, i wont ever truely care for them as much as i would with my real friends, him included.
I havnt been talking to some friends for helluh long. since school started, i dont even have anytime to go on aim and chat like before. I feel so stressed ];
Life is a mess and everything is upside down. I shouldn't be talking to these ppl more than my bffs, we shouldn't be fighting all the time, school shouldn't be this stressful,i shouldn't be losing myself......
happiness has left my front steps for a long long time....please come back, i miss you.

or maybe...it's up to me to go looking for it

cuz i love taking pictures [:

this is right before bed; i tied my hair in a bun that day and wen i took it off, this is what happened to it. LOL,i had to take a picture

My little adventure

Few days ago i went to the zoo, its like those safari typa zoos where they take u to go see animals in a caged car, and drive all the way up to the mountains then u walk now urself to see the lil unharmful animals.But like i guess we went to the wrong zoo cuz this one was soooo freaking far away, it's like right beside the great wall of china[omg,u know our promise to climb it M?i dont think i wanna no more, its no fun, lets do something else ;DD, japan forshuree]um yeah , so we basically spent hundreds on transportaion! Anyhooss...i saw something i will neverrrrrrr forgett! omg, like im forever haunted >< Did anybody know that lions fck almost exactly like humans?? O_O
ew..u can even see the *****. LOL, i felt like im on discovery chanel or something ;D so like the female was sleeping and the male just came over and totally just stuck it in. then the female woke up and bitched slapped the male. LOL! it was hilarious


yay horsey [:




felt helluh bad for the elephant cuz there was only one and it seemed so lonely T_T


teehee

fun day cept i got sunburned ;p

Possessiveness

So um..i can finally put a name on ur problem. You are really possessive, or u turned really possessive. Last night, u told me the only reason why ur like this is becuz its a habit. You said when u were little u would never let anyone touch ur favorite object, ever. Now i became ur favorite? As much as u say it's becuz u love me, i really dont think that's the case now.

You tell me i can't talk to anyone w/ my cell,I can't talk to guys unless it's something important, and i cant even touch guys as in the bump into kind. Don't u think ur a bit paronoid, it's not fcking healthy! and when i tell u to stop being like that, u would just say "u cant even do that little thing for me?!" It's not that i can't, it's becuz i have absolutely no good reason too except that u would get mad. But come on,it's getting a little outta hand. And when u asked me out again, why do u just automatically assume i would agree?you told me on my birthday u were planning to take me out but then u saw me having so much fun(yeah rite)with others that u got pissed and ended up eating dinner urself.wtf? was that a food explanation or something??

Seriously, i dont think i can live like this. i read some syptoms of possessiveness online, and omg, u fit into most of the categorys. Try to isolate me from people, tell me im the only one u truely care about in ur life, talk shit about guys i talk to,and get mad when u dont know where i am. Ur not exactly clingy but u r possessive. It says the best way is to just break off the relationship but idk..

Nails (again)

I dont think i posted these?

My FAVORITEEE nail polish everrrrr, just cuz it looks so creamy

kinda a bad job ;p

teehee nothing special

Random Note

Yeah, this was on the say i was upset. LOl, chinglishh! ;p

Roses

Yeah..the butthead waited outside my door for two hours then gave me roses;p
& like any stupid girl i......well yeah. ugh, ashamed of myself.

Purse

Close up (: hehe i love it, the only bad thing about it is that it doesn't match most of my outfits );

Hi

Camrawhoring before school. LOl how do u explain to a teacher that this was why u were late.

Birthday ~2010

So lets do a summary of how it went. woke up in the morning, mom first said happy birthday to me. Ate, went to school. Omg, nobody said happy birthday to me until like second period and gave me chocolate. Then, Lol, my teacher actually remembered and gave me a hug. blah blah blah i was helluh sleepy.

Lunch came and went to that restraunt i invited everyone too.[honestly, i wasnt planning to do anything on my b-day cuz i had a feeling it was gonna suck but then im turning sixteen so...*sign] Sat down, ordered, talked, & ugh, i was just feeling really unhappy for no reason. Then more ppl came with these fancy candles, Lol, the only FUN PART was when they couldnt light the candle and almost flicked specks of fire everywhere. Fire finally lit, sang happy birthday, made a wish. i wished i could achieve this secret goal of mine and find a worthy guy (: LOl, cheesy i know, w/e. Was helluh full, and this other table sent us some drinks and another plate. Then this guy on that table payed for our tab. it was probably like 200 yen or something, hehe that guy's really nice. Actually i feel bad for him, his family is rich and ppl always hang w/ him to freeload and sht, and i felt really bad cuz he left before i could say thanks.

The rest of the day i felt helluh unhappy, i mean i felt almost no joy no happiness, idk where my happy cell went but i was feeling even lonelier than before. I HATE THAT FEELING!!! omg, see the reason i dont like celebrating b-days becuz on the day, ur just SUPPOSE to be happy, but when ur not, it comes out to be a HUGEEEE dissapointment, u feel worse than before cuz u know ur suppose to be happy. Ugh, fuck, i shoulda just stayed at home. I swear im not gonna celebrate my b-day no more until i can actually find someone that i LIKE and can make me feel happy on my b-day.

Also, im single, & this time, it's forreal, the b-day wish i made, that guy is never gonna be him. I'm just sick and done w/ it. He said happy birthday to me and said that he was only being polite. Okay so u had a fight w/ me over the stupidass things u always get mad for, then it's my b-day, u dont celebrate w/ me and tells me happy birthday at 7 p.m over text saying ur just being polite? I wanna smack that mother fucker. No matter how ppl r,how old u get, their b-day is still very special to them and ppl would like a warm-hearted "happy birthday"
#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&

&& thankkkk you for remembering even tho the time difference. yep yep, u always remember my b-day ^^ LOL & i always remember urs.
*muah kiss kiss hug hug

Its almost midnight and i can finally say goodbye to my crappy Birthday.
Goodbye. i don't look forward to u next year.

Smile

Hey

Everything's been so hectic since school started. The hw is overwhelminggg ]; I cant sleep well everynight too, LOL but i guess that's cuz i waste time & get distracted easily.Chemistry & Physics is so harddd ! ]: *sign. let me list the hw i have this weekend :
Chinese:1.translate a ancient poem thingy
2.memorize translations to two more of those
3.look up 20 definitions to chinese idioms
4.Write an 600 word essay
Test on Mon.
Math: workbook p.21 #1-16
test on Tue.
English: Short essay
Test on Wedn.
Physics: Two papers full of helluh hard questions
Test on Thur.
Chemistry: memorize the 1-20 elements on the periodic table in order
Test on Fri.

I think i win at who's more stressed out about school. all this plus my b-day on wedn. which i still dont know if im gonna be able to celebrate or not.I just feel like taking a day of from school and staying at home by myself. My bf being an ass. Anddd these art projects my teacher keep making me do.

Yes, i do feel like time goes why fast but it only goes by fast when ur too busy to notice it. Why do i feel like i wasted my teenage years? The happy memories i've experienced seems long gone and my future plans seems even more far and unreachable. Life is not suppose to be like this. i dont even know wat happened.