Another Reply

LOL, okay another reply to another person bout their post& this time i know its
about me & wat happened.

Really? im getting more mature..i guess u can say that, or u can just say i lost more life in me. idk..i just feel really old in the mind. i feel like an old lady with a girl's body. *Sign...but nobody knows. u seriously would not think there was anything wrong with me by the way im acting everyday. i mean im laughing, kidding around, & just acting like a retard -_- sometimes i dont know which person is me anymore. I have mutiple personalities. The mature & quiet me, the mature & friendly me, the childish & stupid me, & the bitchy me. aha, so which one am i now?
In elementary i was the fourth.
In middle school, i was all the third.
In highschool, i was the second.
Now what am i? i think it's the first one. & i dont like it. becuz im more than that, theres so much more to me than that, but i can't find a way to express myself anymore. im like a closed up clam.


LOl, face my fears & i'll find true happiness?? LOLOL u sound so cliche. It's not that im afraid to talk to him okay. it's just a part of me wants him so bad but another part is saying i deserve better. But either way, im still gonna be suffering so just fuck it. I will talk to him when im ready...but idk wen that will be.

& free from pain? i dont think so, as long as im stuck here, i will never be free from pain & sadness. unelss i turn out to be like "them" BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

& yesh, i can conentrate on studying either. BUT I HAVE TO. i didnt use to care about grades so much but tats becuz it didnt really mean alot to me back then. Now to me, grades is sooo important. it hold a new meaning. SInce everything is settled by grades here, & grades is the only way i can get outta here, then i HAVE TO strive to do the best i can. give it all i've got or else...omg or else im gonna really let myself down & hate myself even more.

Plus i fucking hate how ppl here just take me for an airhead. FUCK YOU. maybe i was a year ago wen i first came here cuz i didnt know much chinese back then, but gosh, i aint stupid. why u still asking me if i can read the problems on tests? It's math okay? i can fail in chinese but math is a universal language dumbass! & the way u just asked me makes it feel like im retarded or something.

Everything in my life is basically fucked up right now, all i know is that i gotta study study study. I admit im not doing my best right now...but i am trying (:
So i hope u guys are having a better time in life than me
i know i didnt hit rock bottom yet but w/e. getting closer each & everyday.


P.s im getting a new bank account too ;D
my parents forced me tho -_- i just wanted to keep the money at home but they dont trust me with 4,000 on my hands -_- they still think im an obesseive shoppaholic.